Teeter totter

I mentioned the link between migraines and depression earlier.

The very first sensation I could point to and call depression (as opposed to unhappiness) came with a certain sort of migraine. I don't get them anymore, I now realise, but they'd start with my mouth. My front teeth would all ache, and I'd get sad and scared.

Having my neurologist point out this heretofore-unknown-to-me side effect of migraines was a real eye opener, and it was definitely strange to have it tied to such a particular migraine configuration.

As noted, I don't get that same migraine very often. But there's another one, one with a lot of strange sensation in the back of my head, that has a lot of neck pain and discomfort and makes my spine feel weak, that comes with a great deal of hopelessness. I know it when I feel it--I just wish that knowledge trumped sensation more consistently.

The migraine I had for most of today wasn't that one (I only had that one in the morning). It was one that angers me, and makes me hate the world a great deal. So, no, I don't know how I'd normally have reacted to people today. As it was, a great deal of tongue-biting was required to make it through.

I cannot bear the loss in perspective, even when I know it's happening. That's not me. That's some other mercurical and temperamental woman. I am supposed to be in control of that.

It's bad enough having chronic pain. Becoming another person is salt in a gaping wound.

I laugh to myself and call it a midlife crisis. I call some particular friends and have them talk me down. Sometimes, rarely, I grab a hand and weep like a child.

It's good to have the space to let people help me--I'm tremendously grateful and lucky for it.

I just want my spine back. My resolve, and my constitution.